lori vrba photog blog

A HAAA

The age of enlightenment.  Hmmm...is there an actual age of enlightenment or does it vary from person to person, depending on how enlightened they were when they arrived into this life?  I suppose I did not arrive as an old soul because it took me 40 some odd years to get a clue.  And it seems that I've only really been dialed in for the last couple of years.  But I'm here now.  And I notice little moments that I wouldn't have before...recognize how they fit into my journey...appreciate the life lesson or the AHA moment as Oprah calls it.

There were a few of those moments this past week in the Big Apple.  Thunder and I went to NYC for a big photo expo.  We took some time to shoot a project that we had been collaborating on and of course made time for a martini or two (or three).

We explored the city that will be his new home in a short while...its his next stop after Chapel Hill.  I met his photog friends and future co-workers.  Some of them already living a big ass life in the big ass city.  One of which took us for a late night tour of the studio he manages.  It was the quintessential, NYC, high stakes photography studio.  Celebrity and presidential portraits covered the perfectly appointed loft space.  It was an urban...glamorous...big city...big bucks photography studio.  I took it all in and then found a place in the contemporary living room area to process what I was seeing.  I recognized the fact that if I had been there as a 25 year old up and coming photographer...I would have probably done anything to get myself there.  I would have worked for free.  I would have wanted a piece of that for myself...a big fat extra large super sized piece.

But I ain't 25.  And my journey into Art has looked remarkably different.  It wasn't even on my radar in my youth.  I took a long, twisted, sometimes dark road into photography.  I had no peers.  I had no mentor.  I had no boss.  I've worked in a bubble and until Thunder showed up...I've done it completely alone.  That has brought its own share of difficulties.  I have wasted lots of time being lost in my head.  There has been no one to validate my work.  I've made mistakes.  But what it has afforded me is this.  My work is deeply personal.  It comes from the right place.  It has never had anything to do with money or impressing anyone else.  I answer only to myself...and when I fail...its ugly.  But when I get it right...I get all the glory.  

These days I'm getting it right more often than not.  I am doing the best work of my career right now.  And the best of that best is the work I'm doing only for myself.  And for the first time ever...I know that I am not faking it.  That ugly voice in my head that tells me I am a phony...is a liar.  I have a body of good work to prove it.

And after a whirl wind week in the Big Ass City...I hurried on back to my little bubble in Chapel Hill.  I breathed in the clean air on the drive back from the airport.  Noticed the leaves had turned a bit more since I had left.  Scooped up my kiddos who had somehow grown an inch.  And felt excited and ready to get back to work.  

Hey man...you just never know when or where those life lessons are gonna show up.  So you better be paying attention.   

All In A Day's Work

I would like to recap yesterday for ya...just so there is a clear picture of how it goes here in Vrba Land.  

I should begin with the night before...when Olivia came into my bedroom complaining of an itchy head.  (you mom's already know where this is going.)  She is a sensitive child and is often itchy or "not quite right" come bedtime.  So I tell her to distract her mind with something good and send her on her way.  She's back 2 minutes later.  Then I know.  I pull her under the lamp and it is confirmed.  Lice.  I immediately fire off an e-mail to her best friend's mom (who's daughter just had lice)...and I ask her where to even begin to address this issue.  She calls me right away and informs me that she will be here at 8AM for coffee and a nit-picking party.  Joy Joy.

We spend the first 2 hours of the day cleaning up Olivia's head...oh and I should mention that I thoroughly examined everyone here and there was no visible liceage on the rest of us.  I then begin de-lousing my home...all the while convinced that I personally had a complete body infestation.  

About that time my trusty assistant shows up...questions what his role is for the day...operation lice clean up or what?  I do a lice check on him as well and we go to work.  As usual, it was a long full day.  Ending with darkroom time spent toning some of the best prints that have ever been made here...some of which failed in toning...which utterly broke my heart.  We sorted out the problem, but I was crushed and thinking to myself...jeez, when you start the day with lice...one would think that you can only get better from there.

We completed a client slideshow.  We prepared some of my work for a gallery submission.  I wrote a resume and an artist statement.  We scanned in new work.  We often announce to one another that "We are working at a high level here."  I asked my trusty assistant how many photogs in the world were working at this level while de-lousing.  "None" he replied.

I stop to pick the kids up from school.  We stopped for guitar lessons.  At which point the dog ran out the front door.  She is white speed and does not slow down till she is damn good and ready.  Me, all the children, and my trusty assistant chased her at full speed through the back yards of my neighbors for a solid fifteen minutes.  It was not pleasant.  She is finally captured and then back to work.  I stopped to make a quesadilla party platter for the kid's dinner.  (anything festivally arranged on a platter is readily accepted by my family).  And of course I was doing profound amounts of laundry.

We called it a day around 11:30pm.  Oh...I should also mention that there are currently 30 pumpkins in the back of my trusty assistants car that I have purchased for a fund raiser...which I will be delivering today.  Thirty pumpkins piled in the back of a vehicle is a funny sight.

So the gist of yesterday was... no I do not work in a vacuum.  No I do not have a life coach...I have a lice coach.  I make art amongst chaos.  My "zone" is interrupted all day every day.  I can be bitter about that...or I can embrace it as a full rich life.  Laugh to keep from cryin'.  

And my trusty assistant is seriously under paid.

 

Grey Scale

I've never claimed to be very good with "balance".  Most of what I do is in black or white.  All in or all out.  Becki and I have had many conversations about the fact that I could use a little more grey in my life.  This would certainly be true now.

So Thunder has been here one month...consulting, assisting, inspiring...and I've thrown myself into my work like I never have before.  And I've been thinking about what photography is to me and how it has evolved into a business.  And how recently I have finally focused on my own personal art...the picture I take for myself.  The picture I WANT to take.  Who I really am as an artist...and what to do with that.

Because I've worked for all these years within the boundaries of being a woman with young children, a busy husband, a home of great responsibilities.  I see accomplished artists who have spent lifetimes dedicated to their art rather than children.  And I wonder who I would be as a photographer if I were working in a vacuum.  The irony is...I don't think I would have ever become a photographer had I not had this family.  These needy, time consuming children are the beautiful creatures that inspired me to do it well...I was driven to make images of them that held the truth of that beauty.  It took me years to get there.  And now here I am...

I doubt anyone who reads this could make sense of this rambling.  I guess what I'm saying is, as a mother...its difficult to give up even a tiny part of a personal dream/desire/ambition.  But really...motherhood is so often about sacrifice.  So is love.  And I think my solution is fairly simple...be who I am WITHIN this life I've made.  Make art within that context.  And since I don't have unlimited time to dedicate to photography like others may...I should shoot within my vision for every single frame...every one.  And appreciate the fact that my life is full...well rounded...a granted wish I didn't even know to make.